It’s okay to “break up” with a friend

Hey guys,

November is here and it’s finally getting colder in LA. It was starting to feel like summer would LITERALLY not end, but now we’re getting a taste of sweater weather and I’m excited! Better late than never!

Speaking of sweater weather, have you heard of cuffing season?

The idea is that people start coupling off when it gets colder. At first I was like, this is silly, but it’s…kind of true??? Maybe it’s the pressure of the holidays. All those plus-ones just looming in the distance. But people do seem to get together more in the colder months. 

In honor of cuffing season, today I wanted to talk about heartbreak. But no, not cuffing related heartbreak! Though I guess it’s normal to assume when we hear “heartbreak” it’s associated with a romantic partnership ending.

We’ve all seen couples break up. We’ve seen our friends lovesick over someone when things didn’t work out. It’s actually quite a unifying experience, heartache. Why do you think so many songs are written about it?! Because we all GET it. No matter where we’re from or who we are, we know what heartbreak is about. Taylor writes about an ex and we’re like, “YEAH GIRL! BEEN THERE!”

But heartbreak isn’t always because of a significant other. What about our platonic relationships? What about when you “break up” with a friend? How do you deal?

I had a very VERY close friend in college. It was one of the most magical friendships I ever had. We were like Will & Grace…less than lovers but more than friends. He was my GBF (gay best friend – not even sure if that is politically correct, but I think I need to give you this fact in order for you to understand the rest of the story). We cared for each other and loved each other as much as friends could. I even told him that in the future, should he ever decide to have a baby, I would donate my eggs to him and his partner.

I still can’t really explain to you why what happened next, happened, but when Sam stepped into the picture, this magical relationship broke. It just stopped working like a toy that ran out of batteries. And the sad part was, none of us knew where to find the batteries.

My GBF just didn’t talk to me in the same way anymore…he said he was happy for me…but he wouldn’t want to get to know Sam. We started hanging out less. I felt like he was abandoning me, but the truth is, looking back now, I think he felt abandoned too.

I was heart broken. Completely devastated that I was losing my best friend in the world. I was crying in my car, listening to Leona Lewis sad songs and feeling so confused. Eventually, we had a heart to heart and decided that it would be best to stop spending time with each other because it hurt him too much. So we literally and officially “broke up”.

I didn’t know friend break ups could be a thing until I experienced one. And let me tell you, it hurts just as bad as a breakup between lovers.

Losing someone is HARD. Always. No matter what context it’s in. Sometimes it’s necessary. Sometimes there are people who are creating too much toxic energy in our lives. And sometimes…you just drift apart. No one is at fault. Life happens and you simply find yourselves going down two different paths.

Relationships take WORK. They require commitment and not everything is sunshine and puppies all the time. The friendships that really matter, the ones that are meant to survive, make it through the hard moments. The friendships that you’re going to have until you’re old and wrinkly and reminiscing about the good old days will stay.

But if someone repeatedly hurts you, if “a friend” doesn’t support you or treats you poorly, that is probably not a friend you want to stick around forever. And guess what? That’s. Okay.

There’s this weird guilt that comes with friendship break ups. Because, again, we’re not used to it. We know the deal with romantic break ups. They happen. They suck. You deal. You move on. No one really talks about the process of parting ways with a friend. But it’s just as real and painful.

It’s perfectly okay to decide someone no longer serves a good purpose in your life. (Like how my GBF knew that keeping me in his life caused too much pain.) It’s perfectly okay to recognize a friendship has run its course. People change. What we want changes. What we want to be surrounded with changes.

If a friend keeps causing you heartache, take some time to reflect. Have you talked about it? Are they receptive to your feelings? Do you even enjoy spending time together anymore? Ask yourself some honest questions and let yourself sit with it for a bit. If it’s time to move forward, don’t feel bad about doing just that.

You have to protect your heart. And if you’re around people who are destroying it rather than taking care of it, you should find new people to be around. Because there are beautiful, amazing people who will give you the love you need. Those people are worth finding. Trust me.

Have you ever “broken up” with a friend? What was the reasoning? What happened?