I originally was going to post this last Wednesday but opted not to because after reading, I felt like such a whiny loser! But as I was going through some of my comments on facebook, I saw that a few of my fans were feeling alone and discouraged in their weight loss journey. Well guys, believe me when I say YOU ARE NOT alone. Even a fitness “guru” can fall. And choose to not get back up.
Now, for those of you that are regular readers of Blogilates, this is not a normal post. It is not inspirational or motivational. But it’s real. And it’s feelings. And I want to share with you what was going through my head last week when I CHOSE NOT TO WORKOUT because I hated how I felt and how I looked.
You’re probably thinking, what? Cassey had a negative thought and let it get to her head? Yes. I let it get to my head. My willpower was completely gone.
THE BACKSTORY:
Before I left for my 2 big trips in May (China and Hawaii), I had gone through a SUPER INTENSE 8 Week experiment with one of my trainer friends. We ate and worked out like “beasts” to build muscle and lean out. I strength trained and did cardio 6 days a week and followed a very strict meal plan that required me to even fast one of the days! (I don’t suggest doing that at all. I made him change the meal plan for me because I had no energy.) At the end of the 8 weeks, I was amazed at how my body looked. I lost 8 lbs and went from 24% body fat to 17.5% body fat. I could see lines and definition that I had only seen in magazines. Although I have always been generally satisfied with my figure, that first week of May was the first time IN MY LIFE that I had ever looked at myself in the mirror wearing a bikini, and loved it. It is one of the best feelings in the world. Accomplishment. Confidence. Strength. All wrapped up in a pretty gray and lime 2-piece.
Anyway, when I got back from my trips, I knew I had I gained weight. As I was traveling, I was constantly irritated inside – not being able to cook for myself, having to eat and socialize the way others wanted, and actually being able to see the fat around my belly bulge out farther and farther everyday was horrific. Staying on track with your diet (or even just eating healthily) when traveling with others with different eating habits is one of the hardest things I have ever had to experience. It was like a self-imposed diet suicide.
Now I know you’re going to say, “Well Cassey you were on vacation, it’s ok.” Yes, I understand it is ok to indulge every once in a while. But too bad I didn’t even let myself enjoy the indulgence because I was so worried about “ruining” my body every second I was eating. You’re probably thinking, “But you consciously made those decisions to eat what you did. So you need to own up to it.” Yes, you’re right. I did make those decisions and I was 100% aware of what I was doing to my hard work. But you can’t enjoy yourself when those decisions were compromised decisions in which a bunch of social factors were involved.
Okay…I am totally going off an a tangent here, I need to get back to my point. My POINT IS that I gained weight after the trips as a result of bad eating and was feeling like the lowest low life on earth for letting myself sabotage my bikini body.
Why do I care so much about having a bikini body you ask? Because friends, throughout my life, my body has been the one thing I feel like I have had the least control over. Yup, I was a chubby kid. Thinned out in high school. Then gained weight in college. Then lost weight after graduation. Then gained it back when I got my first job. I always knew how to get good grades, how to run businesses, how to talk to all sorts of people…but I could never figure out how to control my own weight as strong as I was. Having a bikini body was more than just a vain physical goal. To me, it meant being able to get a hold of myself at the most humanly basic level.
TRYING TO GET BACK TO WHERE I LEFT OFF:
Initially, I was very motivated to get back to the gym and eat my steamed veggies again. I thought it would take just a week of hard work to get back on track. But after 1 week of doing everything right and not seeing any progress, I thought to myself, Cassey you really screwed it up this time. That was last Wednesday.
Last Wednesday, I was at an ALL TIME LOW. All I could do was stare of myself in the mirror, pinch my fat, and cry about how fat I had gotten. Could 8 weeks of hard work really be ruined in 2 I kept asking myself? Apparently. It wasn’t just a scale thing, clothes were tighter, I was puffing, and my energy was low. I hated what I saw in the mirror. I tried to get myself to workout that morning. Couldn’t do it, so I said, ok maybe before I teach Pilates. Didn’t make it in time. Taught class wearing one of my looser fitting “fat day” shirts and when class finished I was like ok, I’m here now, let’s do this. But for some reason I was fighting so hard and finding every excuse to NOT get moving. It was one of the weirdest feelings ever.
I can’t tell you why I did this, but I fought with myself in my head for a good 2 minutes in front of the cardio machines, then grabbed my keys and drove home.
I let my feelings take over. I felt like a big loser for not sucking it up and even doing a light weight lifting session. Anything! Instead I opted to just give up all together. I was so sad that when I came home, ate a lot, and went to bed in tears.
THEN WHAT?
I jumped right back the next day. It ended up taking me an additional 1 week to get back to my pre-vacay body. But today I am writing this post and am feeling good.
CONCLUSION:
It is okay to give up, feel bad for yourself, and eat away your tears. Just take a shower, go to bed, and start over tomorrow. The most important thing here is RESILIENCE. I guess I just needed a break last Wednesday as my mind was exhausted from trying to reach a certain weight within a set amount of time.
If you have been working out and eating clean and not seeing results, make sure you have given it at least a good 3-6 weeks before you judge. If you can’t find the willpower to keep going, that means what you’re doing may not be working for you. You need to enjoy working out and enjoy what you’re eating because it has to be your lifestyle. Change it up.
Losing fat and gaining muscle is a slow process. You’ve got to allow yourself to understand that and it will make the whole journey a lot less discouraging. If you ever feel like giving up, just remember that dieting is HARD. No one said it was going to be easy. But I am here with workouts that are fun and the POP pilates community is here to support you through it with their own experiences. (OMG this sounds like an Aladdin Bail Bonds commercial.)
That’s all. This post was too long. I explained way too much. Oh well, I hope some of you read through this and got something out of it.
So…yes I feel fat sometimes too and yes it is okay to fail.
<3 you guys. Stay strong!
Cassey
Thank you so much for posting this. I actually stumbled across this article because I had a huge binge after celebrating Mother’s Day (earlier, I know!) with my mom, and was looking for ways to easily restrict and lose the weight/bloat/disgusting feelings I gained. After reading that someone as gorgeous and fit as you can feel down, I know that I can lose the weight/bloat/fat I lost by weight training and eating clean too!
Very encouraging! Thank you!
Wow, I’m kind of late on reading this post but I’m really happy that I did because I was going through the same kind of thing this week, kept feeling fat and binging and it took me a few days to actually push myself to get back on track but as of yesterday, I’m eating clean and working out again! And I couldn’t feel better! And this post made me feel like I wasn’t the only one who this happened to so thanks so much for sharing with us the truth about how you feel! :)
yeah we’re all human!
thank you for that candid post Cassey :)
Thank you so much. Your explanation about the element of control in your quest for fitness really resonated with me, particularly where you wrote “to me, it meant being able to get a hold of myself at the most humanly basic level.” I spent my senior year of high school relentlessly working out in order to start college with my dream body. It helped that I worked at Equinox and was surrounded by amazing, healthy people. Unfortunately, one semester of binge drinking, southern cooking, and a nasty bout of pneumonia have DESTROYED my body. I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror and I hate the glutton I’ve become. This post inspired me to get back in the game and get my body back, even though some days these 15 lbs feel like 500.
” If you have never failed, it’s because you never tried hard enough! ”
I like this quote, to remind me that failing is part of succeeding, and to not be too hard on myself, EVER.
Ps. I REALLY appreciated your post, makes me feel better to know that even fitness gurus can experience this. But YOU are real enough to let us know! Thank you so much! &Keep up the good work hun! I just discoved your website, and I love the energy I get from it! I’ll be coming back, that’s for sure. (; Ox
Thank you so much for this post. I have recently discovered your methods and love your workouts! I have incorporated them into my morning routine and can’t wait until I start my dietary adjustments on the first. There is no way I am every going to be perfect because perfection is not humanly possible. I will leave that to God and stick to being the healthiest me I can be! Thanks again.
Hi Cassey! I’ve been feeling the exact same way too. I’ve been overwelmed by the finals week in high school. I’ve stopped working out for about 2-3 weeks, and I’ve been bloating ever since, and i feel awful and fat. Even tought my fat pourcentage is a healthy weight, I lost the body i had a few weeks a go… But tomorrow…. Well tomorrow i want to start over just like you did. I want to feel the burn again when I work out and laugh after each workout because if someone would see me doing the working out, they would laugh like hell. But it’s ok. Anyways, lets get back to the point. I will strart again. I will try to seperate my time like so: EXERCICE, SCHOOL WORK, RELIGION.God bless you cassey! You are my idol and I wish to be like you one day…
A yound girl with a lot of dream :) ♥
Wow… I needed to hear this :
Losing fat and gaining muscle is a slow process. You’ve got to allow yourself to understand that and it will make the whole journey a lot less discouraging. If you ever feel like giving up, just remember that dieting is HARD. No one said it was going to be easy. But I am here with workouts that are fun and the POP pilates community is here to support you through it with their own experiences. (OMG this sounds like an Aladdin Bail Bonds commercial.)
Thanks, I feel like it was a sisterly pat on the back and tipping my chin back up to the sky. I’ve moved so much and had so much stress in the past few years with my husband being in the Army, being deployed, moving from the east coast to the west coast to the east coast and then back again… it has been crazy. I love eating clean. I love eating my food as fuel and not as comfort. I love exercising, but waiting for the results is hard even for the most patient people. This was very motivating. Thank you.
Emily
Cassey –
I just discovered your blog, and I think it’s amazing – somehow exactly what I needed right now! I’m in the process of trying to lose weight, and it has been so incredibly frustrating. Not only am I discovering all your great workouts, which I can’t wait to try, but I also cannot thank you enough for your authenticity! It is inspiring me, and I feel like it’s that little extra “boost” I needed to keep me going! I can’t wait to see what’s in store :)
Caroline, I know this is months after you said it- but you took the words right out of my mouth! I can’t thank Cassey enough for her authenticity! She is so real, it motivates me. Allowing her bloggers to actually see who she really is through intimate posts like this is why I keep coming back- it makes me feel like I am not alone…Thanks Cassey!
Cassey,
Thank you so much for this post; I really appreciate you being honest and vulnerable with your community–and know that we all LOVE you for all that you are, all that you share, and all that you do. And at the end of the day, if you ever hit your “all time low,” we know you are still so strong, so positive, and so RESILIENT indeed! :) Please keep up the great work and the positive attitude; the Lord has blessed you and I am hopeful that you are continuing to give thanks to God every day!
I just re-read this post again because I was looking over recipes… finding excuses to NOT go work out…and saw it as one of the little “you might like” posts at the bottom of the page. Re-read it and you know what! I need to go work out. I would be silly not to, I just feel tired and sluggish from not getting a good sleep last night…or for most of the week.. But perhaps at least just one POP pilates video would be ok. Thanks (as always) Cassey!!
yes even just one!
gosh i never thought of you having basically the same issues i’ve got regarding body image i mean for me, my ideal body is yours, really. I gotta say you look beautiful and as you said every once in a while everyone gets discouraged but the important thing is to be able to keep going and well is nice to know i’m not the only one that goes through that.
Thank you so much for posting this :)
Wow, this sounds so much like me. I never would have thought that you ever struggled with your weight, your body is just so perfect.
I’ve been struggling with my weight for my whole life and am only just now starting to get it under control (I’m 25 now). But it hasn’t been easy! I jog twice per day, do pilates and have completely changed my diet. I still slip up sometimes, and I wind up hating myself for it. It’s such a slow process and it’s frustrating but I’m so close to where I want to be.
So thanks for posting this, it helps to know that I’m not alone.
I know this reply is kinda late already. But I had just read it and want to say that I feel you. I had always been depressed about my weight. But I’m okay now. :) I even made a short film (only 6 minutes) about it. You can check it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzSIl1BAJPg
You might get something from it. :)
And yes, if ever you feel down again, please don’t give up. You inspire us Cassey. :’) Though your exercise videos are really tough, you manage to help us through it. So I really want to thank you for that. :)
Thanks for the kind words :)
i really liked ur video! beautiful